Farce Juggernaut

Edible Undies Not Sexy Enough for German Man
This has to be one of my favorite stories of all time. To recap: Looking to "satisfy a sexual impulse," Armin Meiwes used the Internet to line up a person willing to let himself be killed and eaten. You read that right. Willing. To be killed. And eaten. (Not that being cremated is a... picnic?)

Meiwes apparently knows from foreplay, too. To get things going, he first cut off his victim's dick (at the victim's request!), and fried it up in a pan (no carbs!). Now, this part is totally unsubstantiated, but I hear that the victim was so turned by on watching Meiwes bite into his penis that he got a massive hard-on, which in turn nearly caused Meiwes to choke to death.
-- "Prosecutors plan cannibal appeal" (CNN.com)

Exploding Whale Pic of the Day!
-- See it on Yahoo! News
-- Previously: Bothersome rotting whale carcass got you down? Keep those explosives in their approved explosive-storage containers

Oscar Nominees Announced
It's shaping up as the year of the colon: Rings, Master, Pirates, etc.
-- Full list (Oscar.com)

Return of the King? BK Ditches Ad Agency
Reading that Burger King dropped Y&R and hired Crispin Porter, its fifth ad agency in four years, it suddenly occurred to me that my journey to "adulthood" has been accompanied by a soundtrack of horrible Burger King commercials.
To wit:
- The deep-voiced, bearded King of Burgers, who could make cool shit happen by twisting some sort of magical ring.
- Those light-as-air collectible 'Star Wars' glasses
- My 'Great Muppet Caper' Happiness Hotel collectible glass (actually from McDonalds, but I remembered it as Burger King, so BK gets the credit)
- Vague memories of the phrase: "In a pita, or on a platter!" I think they were talking about salads.
- The vaunted "Where's Herb?" campaign. Even as a kid, you could smell the desperation.
- The word "Croiss'anwich."
And so on...

So, to all you wild and crazy marketing geniuses at Crispin Glover or whatever it's called, if you want to be around longer than 8 months, take my advice. Resist the urge to trot out that brilliantly simple (read: horribly lazy) strategy of focusing on the product. In case you hadn't noticed, you're dealing with carb-heavy whitebread buns and reconstituted cow slurry shaped into patty form, painted with grill stripes and sprayed with “flame broil” flavoring. Not to mention fries coated in a mystery batter which makes them taste hours old even when freshly made.

Let's resurrect that most regal of dead metaphors and bring back the King! Then we're going to Pizza Hut! And Dress Barn! And Banana Republic! And Record Explosion! Heeeee-awwwww!!!!

-- Here's the story in Ad Age
-- And here's how BK saved Modern English

A New Name for the Nets
If the New Jersey Nets really are coming to Brooklyn, it's time to start thinking about a new name. (Hey, Utah, it’s not too late for you guys either!) After some careful consideration and 4 1/2 Budweiser tallboys I've come up with the perfect namesake for the new Bklyn hoops team:

The Pit Bulls. Actually, the Whatever-They’re-Now-Calling-Pit Bulls.

According to last Sunday's Times Magazine, animal advocates are hoping to rid the pit bull of its violent stigma by renaming it the "New Yorkie." This is just my opinion, but if you’re going to have your scrotum shredded by a raging canine beast, wouldn’t you rather tell your friends it was done by a pit bull than a, a...New Yorkie? Fuhgeddaboudit. Just typing that godawful name makes me embarrassed to be a human being.

So, let's get together and kill two dogs...er, birds with one stone...er, name. If the pit bull must be renamed, let's come up with something a bit less cringe-inducing. And let's take that name and put it on jerseys! After all, the pit bull IS pretty damn common around here—at least as common as the trolley dodgers who purportedly inspired the name of Brooklyn’s former baseball team. You can hardly walk a block without passing some poser gangsta making up for his penile insecurities by accessorizing with a poorly-raised pit bull. Why not take those lemons and make some lemonade! Mmmm... pit bull lemonade...

-- Reinventing Nets, a Letter at a Time (New York Times)
-- Got a suggestion? Email me.

Why Bush is No JFK, Reason 357: Taxes
Great item in Slate from Friday Jan. 16 picking apart supply-siders' attempts to link the Bush Administration's tax cuts to the Kennedy cuts 40 years earlier. Like the ideas pushed by today's Democratic presidential candidates, Kennedy's plan, passed after his death in 1964, was to stimulate the economy by stimulating demand. I.e., putting more money back into the pockets of middle-class Americans. Whereas Bush's plan (and Reagan's before him) was to get the promote growth by giving the rich more to invest. A nice primer on the difference between supply- and demand-side economics.
-- 'Tax Cuts in Camelot?' (Slate)

On the Optimism of Indianans
In a world where (ahhh, it feels nice to say that outloud...) threats lurk around every corner -- or so they say -- it's refreshing to see that folks are still eating their beloved deep-fried cow-brain sandwiches, B.S. E. be damned. "I think I'll have hardening of the arteries before I have mad cow disease," says Cecilia Coan.
-- CNN.com

I Hate Your Answering Machine
I may be the last man on earth still trying to like Ryan Adams, and it's getting harder every day. The latest bit of damning evidence: the sad, heartfelt, whiny, petulant, absurdly misguided message he left on the answering machine of Chicago Sun-Times rock critic Jim Derogatis in response to a negative review. (Note to Adams: MP3 files work for more than just songs...)

If Adams was going to use The Replacements' sound as an influence for his last record, he might've also paid a little attention to their lyrics. Has he never heard the last song on 'Let it Be'?

-- Hear Adams' answering machine message (MP3)
-- Read the review that inspired it (Chicago Sun-Times)

Pots to Piss In
Can one judge a business, a city, a country by its public latrines? Not without a visit to Urinal.net. The site, started three years ago by a few Silicon Valley software engineers, features photos of public toilets from around the world. It's uncannily fun to browse, so don't go there unless you've got some time to waste.
-- My Favorite: Rothesay: Isle of Bute

Real Sex
Today’s Page Six leads with an unusual dilemma—whether or not the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has the right to fire radio host Sook-yin Lee for having real sex in John Cameron Mitchell’s upcoming movie, ‘Short Bus.’ If I ran the CBC, I certainly wouldn’t boot Lee from her spot as host of “Definitely Not the Opera” for such a thing.

That said, while boldface names line up to criticize the CBC for imposing its brand of morality on Lee, I’m not sure I want to impose my lack of morality on others. After all, this isn’t really about sex per se. It’s about whether or not producers of a show have any right to penalize off-duty behavior they find damaging to their show. What if she were getting canned for, say, supporting George W. Bush. Then where would Moby be?

At any rate, I’m glad it all worked out and I can’t wait till the DVD comes out—finally a good use for that zoom function!

-- 'Screen Sex and Day Job, Too' (New York Post)

Shock and Yawn: O'Neill Charges that Bush Admin. Planned Iraq War Long Before 9/11

If the revelations of the inner workings of the Bush Administration featured in an upcoming '60 Minutes' segment are at all surprising, it's only because of their source: Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill. Among his claims: cabinet meetings that resembled "a blind man in a roomful of deaf people," and that the administration began plotting Hussein's overthrow not after September 11, 2001, but within days of the Inaguration.

All that aside, I am starting to wonder if it isn't possible to separate the deceit that went into selling this war from the (possibly) sound reasons for undertaking it? More on that later...

-- Saddam's Ouster Planned In '01? (CBS News)
-- Related: Perle and Frum on Terry Gross (fascinating stuff)

Juggernauts O' Farce O' The Day
-- Kucinich Displays Pie Chart in Radio Debate (AP)
-- AOL HR Gave Spring '99 Seminars on Dealing with Millionaire Employees (Fast Company)

Changed My Mind re 'Airline'
Turns out that as long as you have the capacity to remain calm as you watch ordinary people act like jerks, idiots and generally humiliate themselves on TV, this show is for you. A laser light pointed at The Human Condition it is not. Rubber necking at the carnage of American lowbrow culture? Indeed.

It seems the real lesson of 'Airline' is less about such lofty (heh) topics as Modern Air Travel than about how similar flying Southwest is to an airborne Mardi Gras. It's not for everyone.

-- Here's a story on the show from a recent USA Today

Is This The Worst Reality Show Yet?
Just when you thought you'd the last, irrefutable bit of proof that they've finally run out of ideas for reality TV shows -- and I starting thinking along those lines before I'd ever heard the words "Darva Conger" -- along comes A&E's "Airline."

But on second thought...

You tell me, what's a better way to learn about the human condition, by sending a couple of blonde brats to Arkansas, or by pointing a camera at the discomfort and tension of modern air travel? It will be interesting to see how the airline, Southwest, comes off.

-- 'Airline' Official Site

r u using drugs? ;-)
Great story in yesterday's NYTimes on a new trend -- the rising popularity of instant messaging as a means of communication between parents and kids in the same house.

One might reasonably fear that solitary typing in front of a monitor would render real, face-to-face communication obsolete. But, interestingly enough, it turns out that instant messaging is facilitating communication on topics like sex and drugs that can be too touchy for many teens and parents to broach in person. A powerful example of how difficult it is to predict what will happen when human nature and technology mix.
-- New York Times

Pink Seats Causing Red Faces for Bucs
After six years in the Florida sun, the once-red seats at Tampa's Raymond James Stadium have faded to pink, and Buccaneer officials are demanding they be replaced. Here's a cheaper option: Why not change the team's colors to pink and black? Might better match their style of play, too.
-- St. Petersburg Times