Thursday, January 22, 2004

A New Name for the Nets
If the New Jersey Nets really are coming to Brooklyn, it's time to start thinking about a new name. (Hey, Utah, it’s not too late for you guys either!) After some careful consideration and 4 1/2 Budweiser tallboys I've come up with the perfect namesake for the new Bklyn hoops team:

The Pit Bulls. Actually, the Whatever-They’re-Now-Calling-Pit Bulls.

According to last Sunday's Times Magazine, animal advocates are hoping to rid the pit bull of its violent stigma by renaming it the "New Yorkie." This is just my opinion, but if you’re going to have your scrotum shredded by a raging canine beast, wouldn’t you rather tell your friends it was done by a pit bull than a, a...New Yorkie? Fuhgeddaboudit. Just typing that godawful name makes me embarrassed to be a human being.

So, let's get together and kill two dogs...er, birds with one stone...er, name. If the pit bull must be renamed, let's come up with something a bit less cringe-inducing. And let's take that name and put it on jerseys! After all, the pit bull IS pretty damn common around here—at least as common as the trolley dodgers who purportedly inspired the name of Brooklyn’s former baseball team. You can hardly walk a block without passing some poser gangsta making up for his penile insecurities by accessorizing with a poorly-raised pit bull. Why not take those lemons and make some lemonade! Mmmm... pit bull lemonade...

-- Reinventing Nets, a Letter at a Time (New York Times)
-- Got a suggestion? Email me.

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