Monday, June 28, 2004

Make Up Your Mind
Mobiles Phones May Damage Sperm?
Sprem Reaches Wimbledon Quarterfinals

U.S. to Iraq: You're It (No Tagbacks)!
"In a surprise, secret ceremony that was hastily convened to decrease the chances of more violence, United States officials today handed over sovereignty to Iraqi leaders, formally ending the American occupation two days earlier than scheduled." More from the NY Times

Friday, June 25, 2004

Canadian Killer Lacks Follow-Through

'They're sending me to Fallujah'

Reuters reports that one James Paul Stanson, "driving a car packed with weapons and ammunition, was intent on killing as many people as possible in a Toronto neighborhood but gave up the plan at the last minute when he encountered a friendly dog."
The lesson here? All killers go by three names.
-- Friendly Dog Prevents Killing Spree?
Hey You Cave-Dwellers
Unless you've been living in a cave (and if you're reading this instead of some other blog, you probably have been), you've heard about DMX the G-man, sexy Andy Rooney and of course the oiling, shaving and pumping that takes place beneath the black robes. If those mean nothing to you, here's a little ammo for tomorrow night's dinner party over at the Rischecks' cave:
-- DMX's bizarrely weak attempt at car-jacking (AP)
-- Oklahoma Judge accused of using a penis pump, pleasuring self on the bench (Smoking Gun)
-- Playgirl sez Andy Rooney may be sexy (do they mean Mickey?) (AP)
PLUS: Dick Cheney, also sexy, but only when he's angry
Naked Chick to NYers: Your Lives Suck

"For breakfast I had vomit."

For Martynka Wawrzyniak, the Polish-born babe featured on the non-Ethan Hawke cover of New York Magazine this week, walking along Park Avenue naked was no big dealski. In fact, she tells Thursday's Times, it was kinda fun: "It made me totally laugh. You don't realize how great it is, thrilling it is, to make people shocked whose lives are mundane and boring." Um, excuse me, but since when is masturbating to weekly newsmagazine covers considered boring?

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Trent Lott’s Sunday School Secret

No flapjacks for you, naughty boy!
In a Q&A with the New York Times Magazine from last Sunday, former Senate majority leader Trent Lott was quick to defend American’s treatment of Iraqi prioners: “Interrogation is not a Sunday-school class. You don't get information that will save American lives by withholding pancakes.” Man, do I love pancakes.

Here's a theory: might Lott’s regrettable behavior choices over the years—kind words for Strom Thurmond’s segregationism, that case of Aqua-Net that recently went missing from the Senate barbershop—actually be the result of a hotcake-related trauma one Sunday long ago?

Friday, June 18, 2004

Pic of the Day

The family-friendly alternative to that weekend-ruining photo of Rasputin's preserved member.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Farce Juggernaut-Brand Jugs O' Naught
Brand extensions, baby. Brand. Ex. Tensions.
Someone may have something new and intelligent to say about this phenomenon, but I certainly don't.

That said, I find it odd that both Vibe and Maxim are planning on producing branded linens. I hate to admit it, but if I were in the market for a hair coloring product I just might fall for the Maxim brand--at least there'd be a known entity to bitch about if things went horribly wrong--and I can certainly see how Vibe's name could give cred to a CD sampler. But I'm not getting the decision to shill sheets and towels. Anyone?
-- Read Our Article, and Purchase Our Hair Color While You're at It (NY Times)
The Forgotten Reagan Legacy: Trendy Sneakers

In all the coverage, coverage of the coverage, overcoverage, and overcoverage of the... okay you get the point, I haven't seen one mention of Ronald Reagan's well known weak spot for sassy footwear. Until now. So, retro-sneaker fans, how does it feel to be walking in Ronald Reagan's trendy footsteps? [Click the pic for a better view.]
Nagging Question No. 13
Perhaps in your travels you've encountered the "Zero to Bitch" suite of products, which includes bumper stickers, T-shirts, needlepoint pillows, and other such items. What I wonder is how do they determine exactly how many seconds this process actually takes? For instance, this T-Shirt proclaims a zero-to-bitch acceleration time of 4.1 seconds, while this lovely 11x11 print with a stated zero-to-bitch time of 4.5 seconds, is evidently aimed at a more level-headed class of woman. Finally, any Paparazzo knows that the bumper sticker on Leo DiCaprio's Prius claims a mere 2.5 seconds. Until this discrepancy is widely acknowledged and properly dealt with, one is tempted to offer the following words of advice: Caveat emptor, bitch.
Ben Settles into Post-Puke Serenity
"It's the sort of vague calm you get after vomiting where the vomit itself is rather unpleasant, but when it's over it does bring you a kind of strange peace." That's Ben Affleck, who's no doubt done his share of porcelain bus driving, describing to the BBC's Radio 1 the relief he feels post J.Lo.
-- Happy Days for Ben Affleck? (People.com)

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Shah's Revenge
To the already long list of things not to do when visiting Iran, you can now add drinking the locally-made booze.
-- Death Toll from Toxic Iranian Homebrew Reaches 22 (Reuters)
Note to all my blind readers: Turns out it wasn't the home-distilled booze that robbed you of your sight (not to mention sobriety!), but the methanol Lubetzky added to the punch to spice things up. More info here.
McSweeney's--Still Around
And still making us all, by which I mean me, laugh out loud.
-- Five Rejected Opening Lines for the CBS Evening News
PREVIOUSLY: Today's Most Funniest Movie Bloopers

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Media vs. Message
News that Wall Street Journal writers were conducting a byline strike this week reminded me of a similar stunt pulled by Washington Post staffers a while back. At that time the New Yorker ran an exceptionally lively and well crafted Talk of the Town item which cast doubt on the significance of bylines in the first place, and lampooned the self-importance of what I can't help but think of as a hunger strike for the attention starved.

What cracked me up at the time, and still does, is that I came across the piece as I was flipping through that issue in reverse--it wasn't the topic, but rather the byline of the great Louis Menand, that led me to read it. Had I come across the item in a more traditional fashion, I honestly doubt I'd have gone to the trouble.

Friday, June 11, 2004

With Friends Like These...
Either Drudge's ear is even tinnier than usual today, or he's secretly working for the Kerry campaign. I guess we're supposed to frown on the new JFK for calling the Gipper's Presidency a "moral darkness," but the 1988 Kerry quotes Drudge dredged up have the opposite effect:
"A Republican president once reminded us, 'There is absolutely nothing to be said for a government of powerful men with the ideals of pawnbrokers'... That president's name was Theodore Roosevelt. And today Theodore Roosevelt would be ashamed to be a Republican." Sounds to me like a fair criticism in light of that whole Iran-Contra thingy.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Former basketball great Magic Johnson has fired a shot across the bow of America's fleet in the war on obesity, and just as it was picking up a sort of lumbering, jiggly momentum. The Laker Hall of Famer announced Monday that he will open 30 Burger King franchises in various urban communities, thereby ensuring that no citizen, regardless of economic background, will be denied such fare as the Double Whopper with Cheese. Charles Barkley was unavailable for comment.
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